11/20/25 - Paying for a photographer, Visionary, detaching from “fixing” people
I couldn’t sleep again last night. This sleeping issue is getting really annoying at this point, but anyways I was really into doing this for my photoshoot project. Have half a mind to starting my own notion project page, where I just organize and write things down to get it out of my brain.
Anyways, I started looking for film photographers in Chicago and 5 minutes later my whole IG feed was film photographers from around the world. I was getting a bit overwelhmed thinking about how I was going to message them. And then I was like what if there are FB groups for photographers, so I ended up finding two. I kept going back and forth between if I should try asking for a collab first or if I should just pay for a photographer.
I ended up decidng to pay for one because one I don’t want to compromise on this project. I’ve had this vision in my brain for 7 months now and if I spent so much time looking for an outfit, I’m not about to drop the ball on the photographer. Also, I don’t feel like doing any chasing energy. It just feels like too much work cold-messaging photographers. I also don’t want to feel guilty. I want them to do exactly what I want to do because I paid for them and it’s my vison. I wouldn’t compromise for a work promise, so why am I compromising on a personal project. Just to save $200-300? Just feels like scarcity, and one thing I’ve been doing is just thinking from overflow. I also just get a pull from my body when I shouldn’t be doing something.
Also, I was on IG and I just felt like all the celebrities were just trauma dumping. Scarcity mindset, feeling like they can’t hold wealth, abandonment issues, and coping with loss. Technically, they’re all rich, but they’re in the same frequency as me. And day by day, they’ve been feeling less like idols and more like people I know. They feel on the same level as me energetically, lmaooo even though technically they’re way more successful with wealth and public presence.
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Anyways, I had to wake up early cause I needed to go the optometrist with my aunt. I was cranky again but immediately thankful because how lucky am I to work whenever I want to work, wake up late, not have to get ready, do whatever I want to do for work. People pray for this. I used to pray for this. I literally remember waking up at 5am every morning to get to my internship by 7am. This way I could work before my classes.
Even when I lived in SF, I prayed for a time when I could be with my mom again. Or when I was in college, I prayed for a job where I could literally do whatever I wanted to do, and be the head of marketing for a company.
I’m living all my prior dreams. I got to be a part of a big company, a small company, a startup, SF. I did what little me wanted to do. I almost categorize my dreams in two parts. My corporate dreams, and my own business dreams. Part 1 is done, and I’m so lucky to have been able to do all that at such a young age, so I could dream bigger. Now, I’m living the second part of my dreams.
It all just feels like a privilege and what once seemed so far for younger me, all happened. Right now me thinks my part 2 dreams are too extravagant, but I know they’ll happen too, and I’ll look at them the same way I’m looking at my current life too.
Just felt like a moment where I was able to just stop and look at my life. Nothing but gratitude.
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Got out of the shower and drove my aunt to the eye doctor. We literally barely talked and tbh I didn’t really care to fill the silence. It was kind of nice, kind of peaceful. At point I was starting to get drained though and just wanted to go home. Almost like what would happen to me before. Idk if I was just sleepy or if I was feeling her frequency. I tried to just imagine myself alone and imagined a bunch of energy radiating around me.
After dropping her off, I went to go get the cookie butter latte at dunkin along with some munchkins and it just didn’t hit. Every time I get coffee from that dunkin now, it always tastes so burnt.
Came home and relaxed in bed for a bit.
I saw someone post a brand photoshoot, and I couldn’t help but notice there are always so many people on these things. But I always work alone. Did some chatgpting and I’m starting to accept that my ideas just can’t be collaborated with at the moment because they come straight from my brain. Not to sound like a snob but I hate everyone else’s ideas. Almost like Priyanka Chopra and Steve Jobs. The visionarys. Where I have a certain vision, and then sure I get other people to help execute. And maybe that’s just okay..
I ended up thinking of an idea out of the blue for my PR box. 2000s Bollywood! It’s perfect. That’s literally where “it all started…” and it’s the unique factor. The theme of my box. I’ve also haven’t seen anyone do this successfully.
I think about what I learned a couple of days ago where now my ideas are from a healed version of me. I wanted to do a PR box last year too around the theme of women's empowerment and self-love because that was a hurt version of me.
Anyways, I like this side to me. My creativity from strength not pain.
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Also came across this clothing brand I liked. The quality seems good and they’re affordable. Like good pieces for $200-$300, so thought I’d give it a try and just message them for a collab. Since technically, I wouldn’t be compromising on my clothing vision. I like the outfits.
Ate and then time was moving so slowly maybe cause I’ve been awake longer but had a whole call with my best friend. A couple of days ago, I decided I wanted to start a book club, so we picked out books today and ordered them. We’ve been wanting to bake, so she’s coming over on saturday so we can do some thanksgiving cooking, and just chatted for a hour.
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Did some more thinking for my PR boxes and thought of exactly what I wanted to put.
When the box opens up it has a yellow dried flower and love letter attached to the top.
Background this cool mash up graphic “Where it all started…” Then a handwritten letter and a flower
Inside:
A sweater
Anklet in a plastic bag (on top dil anklet)
custom Popcorn box with butter popcorn OR custom gourmet popcorn with sticker
Iconic Bollywood Stickers
DVD cover postcard with ultimate Bollywood love tunes with QR code
Fake movie tickets with referral coupons
Messaged a bunch of people on etsy to get a custom ankle made and pinned a couple of things on Pinterest.
THEN… my mom asked me if I could drive her for a cooking job. Still not talking to her. But I was like “it’s your choice”. Drove her and realized it’s literally around the same place she first started her job. Her struggle days. Literally a whole full circle. And it’s like she’s on the crossroad between staying in survival energy or moving to abundant energy.
I didn’t tell her to work. And she doesn’t need to. She’s taken care of. She wants to do it herself. She is choosing to stay in survival energy. I’m not wasting my time to go drop her and pick her up. She can do it if she wants to. She’s doing all this to herself.
For years, she prayed for peace, and now she’s getting it and she’s choosing to jump into the fire. I almost feel like god watching her repeat her own cycle at the very location that was part of her survival narrative. She worked at the quiznos on Touhy because my dad got super sick. She had to then. She would wait in the snow, in the cold.
A for the first time, I no longer feel responsible for saving my mom. I can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. Maybe she has more to learn. It’s her story. It’s crazy how detached I am because just a week ago, I was screaming on the top of my lungs to make her understand things and have her move out of the survival cycle. Even the whole telling me to get married thing. I have no interest in trying to explain it her. She’ll learn somehow on her own terms whenever she’s meant to understand it. Until then, I quite honestly don’t care about teaching her.
Until now, I used to think her life/safety/growth was all a part of my responsibility. And now I don’t. Almost like how a older sister just lets her younger sister mess up because she just needs to learn for herself.
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Came home watched more gilmore girls, ate popcorn, ice cream, and a slice of bread with jam and butter for dinner. Core girl dinner energy.
On the other note, I’m still so sore from the gym and my lower back and thighs are killing me. I didn’t even think I went that hard.
Intuition - I’m trusting that my mom won’t repeat survival choices and this time she’ll make the decisions on her own. If she does repeat in the name of ego, she needs a whole lesson on that then. But I trust her path.
7/10 - Chill day overall I would say. Didn’t feel like an emotional rollercoaster.
Energy:
25% - working + thinking of ideas
25% - photoshoot project
25% - driving mom and aunt around
25% - letting my mom do her thing
