1/26/26 - God is horizontal, not vertical, no more replaying convos, staying in presence

Last night, I went on a spiral about god and religion, especially since now my soul just doesn’t align with the whole there being actual gods that punish when things go bad. Kind of doesn’t make sense, but I’m also trying to just find the truth in it all. Like, clearly, all other religions eat meat, so Hindus being punished for eating meat on certain days just doesn’t make sense to me.

After going through a whole rabbit hole on ChatGPT, my takeaway that makes the most sense to me at this time in life is that Hindu gods represent alignment examples within yourself. They’re a form that lives on the planet with you, not above you.

Similar to how Durga kind of just makes sense to me now, with again, her being an example of all the versions of yourself you’ve integrated into one.

In the same way, Ram feels like living life with integrity, and Lakshmi feels like living life with self-worth and an abundance mindset.

I’m still trying to figure out the rest, and again, everything feels foggy and almost like I should find it all confusing. But overall, I think they basically show how to live a true life in alignment with yourself.

The whole why bad things happen is a whole other thing that I don’t feel like digging into right now, because if god is just intelligence in all living things, like why would he use some people to create violence and others to create peace? What determines all this time? Also, everyone says the Hanuman Chalisa is powerful. Why? Culturally and vertically, people say it’s when god comes to “save” in the time of need. But how is this explained horizontally? Also, places like Varanasi are believed to bring moksh because Shiv put the first fire that’s still burning. Where did this even come from?

I almost want to go chat with a monk to really get down to the bottom of all this and understand it better. Because it’s true, if you’re scared of being punished, you simply can not live a regulated life. And I feel like monks are the only ones who truly live with presence. Even priests and pastors are BS.

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Anyways, woke up today with one goal in mind. To stay present the whole day and try “living”. Felt like I needed some stimulation, but wanted to be cozy and didn’t feel like working. At this time, I’d probably go on social media for stimulation but I’m on my IG break, and reading the news feels like too much, so I decided to watch travel videos.

At this point, it really is a new hobby. I watched a video on “The Real way to Travel in Bali,” and it was perfect. Felt the right amount of stimulation and regulation. Kind of want to get to a point where lol I can answer travel questions without even going to any of these places. But also, even in Bali, they have their own Hindu traditions.

Cleaned my room, made my bed, showered, ate my chia seed pudding, made some coffee, and then started working with some cafe music. After a very long time, I felt in flow while working without giving myself anxiety. I had a call with the event planner for Eid, which again I was confused about, but I told myself I wasn’t going to rehearse anything and just kept myself busy.

Got on the call with her, and I was very calm while she was a bit chaotic. I’m getting better at staying anchored. She started the call with how busy her life is and almost romanticized the hustle culture. Very New York of her. The conversation was flowing, and I got the ultimate purpose of it. Basically, she wanted us to sponsor her run club. Kind of impressed at how casually it was woven in. I didn’t freeze, just answered with integrity and told her sure, if it makes sense, why not, but I was also very clear that I don’t half-ass projects. I have to genuinely feel aligned to them. In the conversation, she did ask me one thing that really threw me off but whatever.

I don’t like telling people where I live just because if they know the location is automatically invites them to judge my life, and I don’t like that. Especially because I can tell wealth matters to her. Her conversation does highlight how her sister lives in Streeterville and her friends live in Winteka. My body can tell that class matters to her. She asked me where I live, and I said near Evanston, and then she asked me the intersections. That I did lie about because again telling her Devon would then give her an immediate story about me. That would make me lose my center, so my immediate reaction was to give her another intersection. My problem is never how someone else lives their life. My problem is giving someone the right to my story without me being comfortable.

I had to ask chat about this because this is not integrity, but also I feel like I had no choice, and saying I don’t feel like telling you where I live sounds so rude. So whatever, I’m making peace with it for now. Maybe this is the part on why I feel like staying in the same house limits my story. Maybe this is what’s supposed to make me “uncomfortable”.

I also think I just need to stop “replaying” conversations, the same way I need to stop “rehearsing”. From now on, I’m going to tell myself that I can’t turn back time. Me thinking about it is literally draining my energy. True embodiment is living in presence. Replaying conversations does not teach me things about myself as it did before. I’m not changing myself anymore.

Ate lunch and watched TV with my mom. She made me Shrimp. Worked some more and made drafts for my Drybar campaign. I’m trying to take advantage of me being able to be creative, without a sense of urgency and procrastination.

Got my steps in and then somehow was starving, so ate yogurt for after dinner. Idk what’s going on with my body with food intake. I just haven’t felt the mood to build strength. I feel like I’m waiting for natural alignment, like my body craves walking, but at the same time, idk if I just need to force my body at this point.

I tried going to bed early, but my dad called, so I talked to him. He’s been calling a lot more lately, and I feel like our relationship is getting better. We literally just talked about actors, and he was telling me how he’s delulu and feels like he has a connection with Amisha Patel and how he thought he was going to be an actor. It was funny, and I just went along with it because whatever it is, Bollywood gives him joy, and I’m all for that. Living alone for 16 years sounds miserable, so at this point, I’m happy he’s happy and is delusional and can joke.

At night, I kind of ruined my day of presence. I was calm and chill for most of the day, but then I started thinking about the future. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I was meant for more. I feel it, just like I’ve been feeling everything else up until now, but I also don’t want my story to end up like my dad's. I wish he had just gone for his acting dreams. I feel this confusion between staying present and pushing myself. Like sure, alignment over everything. And I definitely do feel like myself more than I ever have. I feel at home in my body without anxious attachment fear. But I can’t help but ponder.

Like, I just don’t see a path right now. I know I’m meant for visibility, but my personality is not meant for chasing. I get the ick with myself. I have an urge to do photoshoots, but nothing feels moving. Everything feels confusing.

Intuition - I think I’m meant to learn how to stay in the presence before creativity and a “path” unlocks for me.

9/10 - Very intentional and peaceful day up until I messed it up by giving myself anxiety over my future and replaying convos.

Energy:
60% - trying to stay present
15% - replaying conversations
15% - worrying about my future