1/25/26 - Safety as baseline, ready to experience life

I had a massive headache all last night, and just woke up so heavy. Chat said it’s because my vigilance is dropping and my blood flow patterns are changing. My body is adjusting to trying not to brace.

Idk what to do cause my brain felt heavy, but I couldn’t do anything too overstimulating like working or couldn’t talk to anyone, so I just watched a rom com.

After the rom com, I randomly started thinking about the rom com I watched late last night. This girl starts to experience life instead of just traveling to check off bucket list items.

And somehow I started thinking about Varanasi.

I used to be a low effort traveler before when I was in survival where I could take a red eye and then get ready in the airport bathroom and finish everything on my bucket list. 

Now I get tired and need to decompress in a hour max. I also get overstimulated very easily.

But I do have a feeling that I think soon I’m going to be ready to see all the different cultures, and put my truths into perspective of the way people live. Not just going to tourist places, but going to places like Kashmir and varanasi or the Hanuman forest in Hawaii.

All the places around the world that carry frequency.

Chat says it’s because I can finally meet all these places for what they are. Even Varanasi being the place where life and death co-exist.

I like truths, frequency, and presence. Now that I’m getting closer to my life truth. I feel like there are universal truths too, that go across cultures, religions, and time periods. 

Like what I am learning ties into Hinduism. 

I feel like at one time, everyone lived the same truth, and then cultures and religions happened as a form of creativity to express truths in their own way. 

Even Durga like I said yesterday is an embodiment of all the versions of yourself that you go through and coexist within you.  

Hindu’s show it as Durga. Embodiment is a life truth. 

And places do carry frequency. I have regulated my nervous system so I carry a calm presence of frequency. The temples carry a high frequency. 

Where are places in the world where people live with high frequency? That means they’re living in the presence of a regulated nervous system. 

What are they doing to regulate their nervous systems? That’s also a universal truth. 

Almost feel like I’m having a spiritual awakening.

I started watching videos of Varanasi on YouTube and was just in awe. That’s been like my new hobby now adays to just watch traveling walking tour videos and pretending I’m in the culture.
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Went to go eat my butter chicken from a couple of days ago, and it was sooo good today after all the flavors marinated together. Tbh 2 day old curry > fresh curry anyday. That’s why restaurant food always tastes good. It’s because they premake the sauce.

Watched the rest of the Varanasi video with my mom while we were eating. I kind of like this as a ritual with her, we did this for a couple of days at the end of last year too. I was asking her questions on a baranasi saree and everything. One day, I’ll travel the world with her.

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Something feels different. Thankfully, I could feel the bracing and overthinking leaving my body.

After lunch, had a whole fight with my mom, basically telling her she just needs to live and trust me. I can’t be explaining every decision anymore, it’s draining me. 

And now I’m like maybe that’s what god wants to say to me, too. 

Could it be that I finally don’t need to understand the “whys” anymore and just need to live life by trusting?

Instead of lessons, I think I’m going to turn this into a journal of things that made me feel present. And focus more on living than analyzing. 

My body wants to experience, not interpret all the time anymore. I could also feel my processing abilities getting slower. Things just feel foggier and aren’t clicking as fast. Before, I felt like I was google. Experience + Lesson in real time. Now, I’m like idk and I’m not sure I even care.

Chat says - I’m embodied enough where my body will just know and feel things. The wisdom is like embodied in my body. That’s why I don’t need to constantly brace and learn anymore.

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Anyways, because my mom drained me, I went to my room and just chilled to decompress. Watched ANOTHER rom com. Literally, I’m turning into a rom-com whore with the amount of free time I get from not being on social media anymore, and I’m still too overstimulated to do anything else or be creative.

Decided to walk afterwards, slow again, and started thinking about my meeting tomorrow. The girl who’s planning the eid event wants to have a call with me tomorrow after we’ve agreed on terms, so I’m confused on why? And my bracing self was trying to prepare scenarios, but I had to actively stop myself. Whatever it is, I’ll handle it in real time. I don’t need to rehearse anymore.
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Things that still feel confusing are how god works and how “well-behaved”, but it just feels like too much to think about right now.

Also yesterday, I told myself, I am safe in my current home too. Deep down, I think a part of me was scared that if I don’t “act on lessons” quick enough I’ll be in danger again. I thought if I didn’t move, my house would flood or something to kick me out.

But I have to just believe.. no I’m safe here too. And tbh I could take as much as time as I want here. I just want “grow”. I’m moving, so I could expand what’s meant for me. Not because I’ll be punished or lose protection privileges if I don’t move fast enough or act on intuitions. At the end of the day, if god is the co-creator, everything happens at the right time. And if I was really meant to move, something would open for me. So I am safe here too. I also know my new house it’s supposed to start with fear energy. It’s supposed to start with willingfully expansion energy.

I’m trying to internalize it, and I keep repeating it to myself.

Chat says - I’m also at arrival, which I don’t get, but we’ll make it a comprehension for another day.

Intuition - I need to just trust life as being inherently safe for a while.

7/10 - A lot of internalizing and just being foggy again

Energy:
25% - rom coms
25% - watching travel videos
25% - trying not to think about anything
25% - spending time with mom