1/24/26 - Purging & done bracing
Last night ended up being a lot. I feel like I overwhelmed myself to another level, to the point where I felt like I was purging all the fear out of me. My stomach hurt soo much, I felt like puking, I was shaking at one point. It was bad. I literally just wanted to get all the fear out of me. I was soo tired of being scared.
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Had to wake up early because we had to go to a townhouse showing. This time I took my mom with me and told her we would go to the mandir after. Still felt sick, but I was also just feeling so ungrounded that more than the showing, I wanted to go to the mandir.
I was just so done bracing. Anticipating danger. “staying” ready.
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We went to go to see the townhouse and it was an immediate no. As soon as I walked in, my body felt tight and everything inside was just so dark and sad. The vibes were weird. Very survival. Not like the other one that I liked. My body was contracting instead of expanding in this house. After 5 minutes we left.
On our way to the mandir, we passed by H-mart, so I asked my mom if she wanted to go and she said yes. It was kind of the Patel for Chinese people, so I pretended I was in China. My mom was being weird and was getting grossed out by all the meat. Me on the other hand was taking my time and was intrigued by everything. I ended up getting Japanese udon noodles.
Afterwards, we went to the mandir and this time instead of saying my thank yous. I just had a heart to heart with each god. Everything I was feeling confused about.
I realized, Durga finally makes sense to me, too. She’s a symbol of all the versions of yourself integrated into one. It’s kind of beautiful how it all just coexists.
Before Aarti, the priest told me to go fill the vase with flowers. So I went to the kitchen with this other little girl and the vases were all dirty. There was an aunty washing dishes, so I asked her if I could wash the vase really quickly. She said “most people just take it as it is. It’s only those who have a pure heart that wash it like this” and that one sentence literally made me almost cry. I wasn’t doing anything but being myself and she saw the integretary with the way I live. Not that I should be looking for signs, but it really did feel like reassurance that the right people will always see me. That aunty probably really made my week by saying that because I know she meant every word of it.
By the time the aarti was over, I was soooo drained. I literally couldn’t wait to go home. I told my mom I was tired and she starts to talk about how she thinks I’m wasting money by renting a townhouse instead of just buying a house. Something I’ve already gone over with her about, so at this point, I was pissed and literally told her that “mom, I just told you I have no capacity. I can not talk about this right now.” I need to get stricter with establishing my boundaries and she needs to learn that when I’m drained and I’m telling you I’m drained, I’m literally already on edge. I don’t have energy to have a normal convo, let alone a convo to reassure you about something I’ve already talked to you about.
Came home and immediately went to sleep for like 3 hours. Watched a movie on netflix called “Moms’ night out” on netflix. It was really good.
And then went to go get my steps in. Decided to walk really slowly - when my dad called, so I talked to him for a bit. We talked about walking, the snowstorms, the headlines, and movies. One of his passions is movies and music. It gives Om Shanti Om vibes and he was telling me how a big TV that he got and loved stopped working, so he got a smaller one. I kind of want to give him a TV for his bday.
For dinner, mom and I made Hakka noodles. Also boiled some of the Japanese Udon and it turned out to be a fail. Lolol they were thin soup noodles, not like thick actual noodles. I really thought they were just going to expand or something.
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Now to my reflections for today - today was very weird and sooo sooo foggy. They weren’t normal reflections. Almost had an identity crisis today.
I feel like before I had to brace because my capacity to deal with traumatic events was small. I would crumble with the slightest downfall.
Now, I learned how to rebuild myself back. If something hurts me or drains me, I figure out how to ground myself after dealing with it. So now bracing is just unnecessary.
It feels like I’m doing a bunch of homework before it’s even assigned, just so I’m prepared. Now, it just makes sense to do the homework needed when it’s assigned.
Chat says - I need to respond now. Not brace. I have enough capacity, wisdom, and confidence to respond when things come at me.
For whatever reason, before, bracing protected me. Now, it does more harm than good.
Yesterday, I dealt with one of the biggest truths of my life and I barely cried. I thought I was avoidant about it but when I thought about it again today, I just felt like there was nothing to cry about. Crying about it would be to accept the possibility that my family might never get reunited. I kind of just feel like it’s a waste of mourning. There is this a possibility for it, and I don’t think I’m in denial about it. I’ll cross the bridge when it comes.
I just think I’m being asked to stop making it the peak of my story, and treat it more like if it happens it happens. I’ll see where life takes me. It’s no longer the happy ending to my book that I’ve been waiting for. What if.. my parents find other partners that make them happy? It is what it is and that does make me happy. I just want them to be happy. That’s the ultimate goal and for me, I can do my part by just being present with them.
Before going to the mandir, I asked myself why do I brace? And it’s because I don’t trust life, so I feel like I’m actively being protected. My current reality just doesn’t feel like it’s in my favor.
But feeling like life is unsafe, and I’m constantly being protected, is where the negative territory comes in.
Deep down, I also feel like I’m getting rewarded because I complete my lessons. I feel like if I didn’t, I would be punished. Hence why I still brace. Because I don’t know if I’m on track or not and it feels like protection can still be taken away any minute.
Chat says I think of the universe as vertical where there is me -> life systems -> god above it all, but in reality, it’s a co-creator with me in life.
Idk how this works with Hinduism or idk how this explains innocent people dying, just because I do think everything in Hinduism ultimately does make sense. I just think the current people preaching about it have it all wrong. Including my mom.
Example being, my mom convinced me that I can’t upset Saturn because then my Saturn return will be miserable, and I have please him by not eating meat on Saturday or drinking. I’ve been too scared to question it in the case I am wrong.
But in reality, I think Saturn gives lessons for growth and drinking makes you ungrounded. It messes up your judgments, but okay the whole no meat thing on certain days doesn’t make sense to me then, and if god is a co-creator why do we still fear him?
Tbh it feels kind of cool knowing I’m choosing my religion and what I want to accept. Even though it kind of started from my mom enforcing it culturally. Whatever it is, I just know religious institutions have high frequencies because people are present, and that’s why I like going to mandirs. I also like seeing all the cultural aspects to it.
Sometimes I even think about how it kind of makes sense, I’m Indian, born Hindu, with India being the symbol of rebirth and stuff and just everything in my life being constant rebirth.
Everything still feels foggy right now, especially with god. I still don’t feel like things are clicking.
I just know I can’t brace anymore. And instead of baseline thinking life is dangerous and I’m just constantly protected, I need to think of life as baseline safe.
Again, it’s all foggy and too much.
Intuition - I feel like things will click when they’re supposed to click
5/10 - Very hard foggy day
Energy:
50% - trying to understand life
50% - trying to reground
