1/23/26 - Letting go of the hope to reunite my family, finding joy while the world is hurting

My power went out at 5:30am and I knew the second it went out even though I was sleeping. I was kind of mad about it because why is my subconscious still in alert mode. My mom was sleeping and I texted my neighbor and she was sleeping too. Both wouldn’t have even known if I didn’t text them. I want to be that unaware sometimes.

But okay.. now that I put it into perspective, the only reason why I knew is because I sleep with the candle light on, which does keep my body half awake. I started doing that when my dreams got super scary.

Chat says - Instead of being made at my vigilance, I need to thank it and move on. In a grounded way.

To mention, I woke up with nightmares again but I was almost like whatever. My mom fell in love right when my dad became the husband he needed to be, and I had a shot at my family getting reunited. And then my safety was in danger and I was being kidnapped. But my mom was safe, which was a plus point. And in that moment, I didn’t give up. I was thinking of solutions. There was no fear this time. Just an inconvenience.

Chat says - I have this wishful hope that my parents might be reunited and I’m almost watching them to make sure they make aligned decisions. But life in my dreams gave me a plot twist. My mom chose someone else. I’m happy for her because she chose someone that values her. It's what she deserves. And I’m sad for my dad because he finally became someone that’s a good husband and I could feel his pain. It all kind of destabilized my world even in my dreams because now that hope will never happen and I just have to accept it. I need to not be the emotional bridge for my parents. I have to separate myself from their lives.

Deep in my heart I feel like I carry the hope every child of divorced parents’ has. Somewhere in my heart I thought that would be the reward for all this healing, alignment. etc. Getting my world back from before it was broken. To the point, where even my body kind of refuses to accept that the initial rupture was permanent.

Chat says - I need to close the loop on the hope. Validate my inner child. Tell myself my life no longer depends on the outcome. Allow ambiguity instead of a yes or no to them reuniting. And grieve the idea of both my parents together, the version of my childhood that I didn’t get, my family container, and trust my life will be okay even if it never repairs. Overall, I need to release the hope without deciding the ending because right now deep in my heart I only have one ending and that’s my family being reunited.
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It’s also freaking cold today, so everything is closed and there’s a chance power might go out again. So overall, I’m a little on guard.

Side note -and tmi but for years my bowel movements were never solid, but they have been for the past monthish and to me that’s a huge accomplishment because that means I’m actually healing my gut and nervous system in some way. It’s visible proof. I’m still bloated most of the time right now and feel super uncomfortable but it’s still a step in the right direction.

Chat says - My body is finally resting and digesting after years of being in fight or flight.

Overall though, I’m already having a very strong morning with emotions, awareness, and routine disruption. Already feel like crying, especially after knowing it’s time I let go of hope of my family being reunited. Feels very heavy.

The family lesson seems like such a casual lesson, but it’s not. It’s the hardest one yet. My family breaking up was what started everything. It’s letting go of the last thread tying my present self to the moment my life split in two.

This lesson/trauma point hurts so deep right now, that I literally think I’m going to have to table it until tonight because I have a whole day to get through right now and I just can’t face and process this one right now. I would rather ignore it and act like everything is okay.
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Ended up cleaning my room, and checking my emails to just clear out space. My employee/coworker decided she wanted to have a meeting and was just going on in circles about how she basically wanted to create a sense of urgency for my boss, so again she can get her life in order. It was annoying me so much to the point, I just told her I had a headache because I literally could not deal with her BS. Tolerance is low. Neither am I creating a sense of urgency for myself. It’s not that I don’t want to help her, it’s that I know it’s not right to abandon the pace of my nervous system. I literally don’t even need her to go to London right now, and if she can’t go whenever I need her to that’s also fine. It’s not the end of the world as she is creating an urgency for. I ended up just telling my boss to follow up with her directly. It’s up to him on whatever he wants to do. If he asks me follow-up questions, I’ll answer accordingly to help him make his decision. Until then they need to figure it out themselves. Not my problem.
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Ate my childhood favorite gujju dish, watched tv with mom, worked for a bit, and then journaled.

Decided to go on IG for a bit, and that’s when I kind of reached my tolerance point. There was just so much social media news about scary things going on in politics. Post after post. That it became overwhelming.

I’m no longer scared in the sense that I think something bad is going to happen to me. I trust my vision for life, and I trust the universe overall. I just don’t think it makes sense for someone to have a very hard childhood, go through all this healing and learning, and then put them back in survival. The universe would get much more use out of me by keeping me as someone that’s anchored and calm in when the world is going to shits. So I trust that purpose for myself. But here and there the “what if” I have it all wrong creeps in. There’s 5% of lingering fear that I’m still working through, and idk if it’ll ever go away. There is a part of me that is scared I’m going to be put back into survival mode, where it’s just trauma after trauma. I had tears come out of my eyes while writing this.

I had to take a nap to just shut my mind down for a bit, and then walked very slowly on my walking pad for an hour while watching New Girl.

Chat says - I notice the difference more because of the “contrast” of having a some what regulated nervous system in an unregulated world. Social media puts a spotlight on it all, with the headlines and clickbait.

I think I’m supposed to find joy now while knowing the world is hurting. Which almost feels selfish and very hard.

Ate dinner with mom, and then watched a Bollywood movie at night.

Side note - I deleted my Tiktok today and I don’t think I’m going to go on IG for a while. It just feels like a lot.

4/10 - Feeling low and haven’t really processed a lot from today, especially the family stuff

Intuition - I need to stay strong on my vision

Energy:
50% - Trying to process family trauma & world headlines
50% - Restabilizing from noise