1/14/26 - (incomplete) trusting myself in the moment and resting

The worst nightmare about literally me in like an alternate universe or something, with all my worst nightmares in one. Hiding, fear of safety, broken world, scary living place, no job, poor, taking care of my mom.

And even then I was thinking of ways to save my mom and I.

Chat said it’s my subconsious purging everything it doesn’t need. I had to wait up and just accept that I need to stop rehearsing now because I finally trust myself in the moment to do whatever it needs to do. In past, I rehearsed to be prepared and save myself but even in my dreams, I literally have to think on the stop so how is that different from me having to think on the spot in real life.

I no longer need to rehearse to protect myself. If anything it just feels like so much noise now too. So much extra work and energy for nothing.

I no longer want to anticipate what someone might say or think. I don’t care. I’m supposed to stay anchored in me.

Had our company call and I looked mean, I was just so over the bullshit everyone was saying and couldn’t wait for it to be over.

Finally sent Hanumankind’s manager an email and just said f it.

Went to the mandir with mom and was carrying my niece everywhere. Tried giving my friend a break.

Came home and took a melotonin gummy. I literally didn’t want to process or think about anything. I didn’t care. I didn’t even workout or do my steps. I wanted to rest guilt free.

On the side note, my gut health feels like it’s getting better but still a lot of bloating, so working through that now.