1/6/26 - performative depth, not internalizing success
Woke up at 8am, well-rested, but wasn’t ready to get started with working out, so I just laid in bed for a couple of minutes. My stomach hurt sooo much from all the masalas in my tandoori chicken from yday, so I wasn’t feeling too good.
After a while, I did this spine warm-up and quick yoga flow. Not going to lie - my body isn’t that mobile, but I’m hoping to get better with time now.
At 11am, I made my coffee and while making my coffee, I realized that kind of just thought about this video I saw earlier. Pookie on Tiktok has been getting super deep because he thinks girls just think he’s an fboy, so he’s been also putting his deep side out there. If I could talk to him, I would tell him the right person will see through anything. He doesn’t need to put on content to prove he’s deep. And then I thought about how, technically, I do this too subconsiously. I like and repost the deep stuff on Tiktok and IG. I know I do it for myself but deep down I do think I do in the desperate need for someone to fully see me.
A couple of days ago, I also realized why I even had the crush on IG DJn it’s because I could see he’s been through the same stuff and I just wanted to feel like someone who’s been through the same stuff can resonate with me too. If I’ve been honest with myself, part of me hoped that he would see all the stuff I liked to see that I know what he feels like. A bit embarrassed to admit it. But also that’s what pookie is doing, and again I need to tell myself the same thing.
I don’t need to try to show anyone anything. The right people will just see it and get it. No performativism needed. No being desperate to be understood, seen, and resonated with. This has been a theme for me for the past couple of days.
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I literally just felt super weak to the point I couldn’t do anything, so was just in bed for the most part, except washing my hair.
I was starting to wonder if shifting my anxiety to my spine was a good thing or not because with these exercises I’m doing it’s going to release it from there and go back to my gut. Chat says I just need to “land” my anxiety, but I have no clue what it means. I think it means to just accept I have anxiety in given moments and carry-on. Almost like walking in the rain, but easier said than done.
Anyways, took a nap, booked a workout class for tomorrow, mom made light food for me today to ease my stomach pain and everything started feeling better after a day of basically a bunch of yogurt.
Also, the dry bar lady answered, so excited to see where that goes. I need to keep my center, though and not think too much about it.
5/10 - Sick for most of the day
Intuition - I need to just feel chill about everything. Have a bunch of important calls this week. Need to have an if it works it works attitude and not internalize it too much.
I’m realizing every time I internalize success, that’s when I get scared, and it becomes a problem.
Energy:
20% - trying to work out
80% - stomach pain
