12/15/25 - Even my imagination knows the answer, talent is boring/easy, creative embodiment
Last night, I was so tired, that I literally went straight to bed. Lmao maybe I just need to tire myself out a bit more like moms do to their kids.
Anyways, I woke up at like 9am pretty rested, but it was also from a dream. I had a dream that I met my guy friend and there was a bit of chemistry. I felt nervous and giddy. Like there was something there. I woke up super confused on why I keep thinking of him. I’ve already established he’s not my person. And I 100% know it too, we just don’t flow and we just know too much about each other’s dating life. A couple of months ago, I completely stopped talking to him because I associated him with the version of me that accepted people who weren’t all in for me. That gave me half of their energy.
But realized my subconscious brain keeps going back to him, because my imagination hasn’t felt a physical end with him since I’ve never met him in real life even though he lives like 30 minutes away. So my imagination still is trying to fill in the blanks because again no energy end. It’s still open. Chat asked me what I feel when I think of a life with him, and it feels “suffocating/stuck”. It does not feel expansive. Which also correlates with what I feel every time I talk to him. I just feel my anxiety go up, and my body tightens up. This whole time I thought it was cause maybe I had feelings? But chat said bodies tighten up when they feel a lack of safety, a lack of resonance, or anticipate emotional labor. My body just know this relationship always feels like emotional labor, which is so true because I felt like I was always trying to feel a deeper connection with him but never could. There was a wall, and according to what chat said a couple of weeks ago, I can’t read people that can’t read themselves. I’ve actually always felt that about him too. He hasn’t fully explored his own shadows.
Anways, point is even my imagination got her answer today. Still need to close the loop somehow. It’s like the universe is having me close all my romantic energetic loops. After years, finally closed N yesterday. Well at least I’m hoping because I really thought I closed it a year ago, when I wrote an “imaginary letter” but clearly there was still something left there. Now, I want all signs of him out of my life. Like I don’t even want anyone to ever mention him or feel connected to him any way ever again.
Guy friend P was the last string, and I hope he’s done too.
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Also saw I got my Q2 and Q3 bonus. Finally.. because I needed to adjust my finances before the end of the year.
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Before eating breakfast, did a quick weight check and I’m still at the same weight. I’ve literally been at the same weight for 6 months. And Idk what to do to break the plateau. I know I’m not supposed to work harder, so like what? I literally already have a healthy diet for the most part, and intuitively eat, so feeling really stuck.
After breakfast, mom and I were chatting and somehow I ended up telling her how literally people now tell me that I look so happy. They see the glow, but externally, literally nothing about my life has actually changed. I’ve had the same amount of things that I did a year ago, nothing about my situation has actually improved. What changed is I stopped looking for happiness externally and found it internally.
I’m also slowly realizing that everything I think that’s basic about me, isn’t actually basic. Like the fact that I was able to create a creative studio set up with a vision in 5 minutes is something that’s not normal. But for me it’s so normal to the point I thought everyone else could do it too. Like there was nothing special about it.
Until now, I also thought what feels easy can’t be talent. But lol that is the talent. Talent feels boring because my brain automated it. It’s effortless for me. Also apparently the skill is called “environmental translation”. Being able to visualize the end product before even getting started.
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Also, the end to my hypervigilence era when I’m technically starting a new career is interesting because I keep seeing videos of influencers and entrepreanurs constantly thinking, and I was like that too even about work. I was always ideating, which is why this new period of having zero constant creative thoughts feels so strange to me. That’s how I got output before.
Lately, I’ve been just grabbing my journaling and having a set time for creative output. The thing is that it doesn’t feel crazy or revolutionary to me yet that’s why I thought it wasn’t working. It felt forced.
Last week, I went to a coffee shop. Just chilled for a bit and then opened up my notebook and was like what do I want people to feel when they open up this PR box and that is 100% old school bollywood love. The feeling of movie love. But the actual items I want. Something still feels missing and because of that I haven’t been able to go pull force on it. I’m like 90% of the download right now but because it does feel full I literally can’t move on to execution.
Before I would keep ideating 24/7 and then something would land and it would be perfect and then I would be so excited to make the idea happen because the vision is fully downloaded.
Anyways, my creative working style is changing and it’s driving me crazy. Chat says I’m supposed to figure out how to be creative while being grounded. Before, I would just get sparks of energy because I was so excited but tbh that was my favorite part. The momentum being so good that I would finish the project right away and it would be iconic. This method kind of feels boring.
Ate, showered, went to my best friend’s house to print something and felt insanely drained. I can’t tell if I get sleepy around her because she feels safe or if I actually always feel drained in her presence. This happens all the time now. We didn’t even talk that much, so I really don’t even know how I feel drained.
Anyways, I literally was so tired that I went to bed at 7:30pm with all the lights on.
Intuition - Idk I’m confused on why I’m so drained with my best friend
5/10 - Exhaused
Energy:
25% - detoxifying old connections
25% - so confused about where I am creatively
50% - drained/tired
