12/14/25 - That pain was never mine to carry, happy being single
After spending all of last night crying, I did some more chatgpting on why it hurt so much, especially when N literally came from the same background as me. He went through the same things, so how can he put me down like that and not even feel sorry about it.
But then chat said something that just clicked. “I was carrying his pain.” And out of nowhere it madee sooooo much sense. Like everything just started clicking. I was actually never ashamed of my “origin story” before I met him. In fact, my mom was always my number one priority, even V knew that. So it just made no sense to me how I suddenly got so embarrassed about it and then N was the one that made me feel like it was a disadvantage. He projected everything and I reminded him of things he never worked on. Which is why it makes senses on why he’s so performative. But I couldn’t see it because I was stuck in the illusion of performativeism. Also, I know that when you have a relationship with some, you take on each other’s energies. This whole time thought I thought it was my pain to carry, but it never was. I returned what was never mine to carry and feel so liberated. Like the clean energy break I was looking for this whole time.
My SF bestie also activates my non performativeism, so it makes sense on why she hated him. He’s literally so performative. And wow, I actually feel sad for him. Because living like you have to fake a whole lifestyle because you’re ashamed of your origin story is crazy. Everything I worked through, it what he lives with on a day to day. And I know he hasn’t resolved it because my bestie told me he’s still performative and I could feel it too. Crazy. But that’s on him. Lmao having an identity crisis was one of the worse things I’ve dealt with and this his whole life.
For me, I felt like he was meant to come into my life, so I could “embody” having an origin identity crisis. Same with what I said a couple of weeks ago about how I literally felt like I took on all of J’s insecurities too. Those were obvious to me, though. That I instantly knew didn’t directly belong to me but sure activated something very deep down.
Anyways, the fact that I could finally release him from my life is mindblowing, and that’s probably why he keeps coming up again, even though I don’t actively even care about his life. I don’t even go pull up his socials or anything.
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Ended up getting out of bed at 10am, went to go shower and shave, and then went to walmart while mom was making a couple of things. I got so much stuff, gifts and everything. I got her a barbie even though she’s too young for it, but lol I wanted to be the first one to give it to her. Feel like it’s a monumental right of passage. And also grabbed her a snowman sippy cup and red blanket to use for the photoshoot. It was so cold. Came home and started cooking the rest of the stuff and preparing the cheese board. I also told her yday that I wanted to do a photoshoot for my niece, so mentally, I was thinking of ways to set the scene and what other props I needed. Grabbed my electric candles, some Christmas hats, and some ornaments. By the time we were done with everything, it was like 2pm, so quickly started getting ready to look cute. Wore my dress, stocking, and boots combo.
Got there and my friend’s daughter was awake, so played with her for a bit. They were super surprised by how much food we brought. I also was pretty grounded. Anyways, we ate the enchiladas I made and some of the things are the charcuterie board. It was fun trying the different variations.
At point, I noticed my friend super sad, so I asked her and she started telling me how she feels like a single mom and how her husband doesn’t help her with anything. She was just carrying so much pain. We talked about how women always end up abandoning themselves to compromise in a relationship. She also picked him looking at all the external stuff and that’s exactly the stuff that biting her back. He liked luxury items and now he chooses luxury items over doing nice things for his wife. He was a family man to his own family not their new family. All crazy.
Anyways, after a bit she wanted to do the photoshoot, so I made a quick set up in the bedroom and everyone was shook but for me it was very obvious. I made my mom and her mom hold the blanket in the back to create a backdrop. My niece was cranky so she wasn’t really smiling but the pictures still turned out really good for a DIY shoot. Then my friend did my hair. She’s just a girl at the end of the day.
For dinner, we ate aloo parathas.
My niece was crying so much after a couple of hours because she was constipated and her tummy her. It was literally so sad to watch, and the fact that her dad didn’t care was even more hurtful.
I left feeling sad for her but happy for myself that I’m still free as a bird because feeling stuck with a child is like my worst nightmare. I’m soooo happy god broke all my previous relationships because none of those would have worked and I genuinely would have just been so miserable right now. Also, the fact that she is jealous of where I am right now is crazy because I literally have nothing according to society, but I’m happy.
This weekend ended up being super busy. I know I did a lot today but it kind of didn’t feel like I was overextending; it felt like it came from overflow. Like being a villager.
Intuition - I literally can not accept anything less than someone who expands me. I can not compromise, or I will literally be miserable. I know me.
9/10 - Today really filled my cup. It was fun.
Energy:
25% - cooking & shopping for gifts
25% - happy about my life
50% - spending time with my niece and her family
