12/1/25 - Visibility does not mean compromising safety and truth
Last night - read a little, put my heating pad on, and took a melatonin gummy, so was in bed early.
Woke up with one of my scary purging dreams. My 8th grade middle school teacher got an honest evaluation from me, and because of that he got mad at showed up to my house with the door wide open. He called the cops to try to frame my mom and me to get revenge because he knew how much I loved my mom. I was at a crossroads of either being dishonest about his evaluation to keep my mom safe or to just see what happened. In that moment, I had no clue what to do and could feel myself hyperventilating; that’s when I woke up. When I woke up, my immediate reaction was to do what I needed to do to save my mom.
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Chat said it’s something I’m purging out. And it’s true even while awake, I’ve thought about this, what if someone that’s jealous of me does something to me to get revenge? I’ve had this fear all my life to some level that the more visible I’ll be, the more unsafe I’ll be, and the only way to stay safe is by being invisible. But yesterday was the first time I decided I was no longer going to be invisible. I was going to shine like a star.
I need to work through this old survival belief that I’m only safe if I’m invisible, and that if I sacrifice myself, the people I love will be safe.
The evaluation thing also makes sense because for the first time, I was super honest about my work evaluation for my boss. And I’ve been wondering about it. If this honesty will cost me something.
Overall, there’s a part of me that is still scared and thinks, “If I’m honest, I’ll get punished. If I tell the truth, will people turn on me? If I choose myself, others will retaliate.”
I need to tell myself, “I’m allowed to live a big life without anyone getting hurt. Honestly will also win. I am safe. My mom is safe. No one can control me. My mom is protected her own way. I am not responsible for my mom.”
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Also as soon as I woke up, I started seeing things about the E Files, and how the survivors were scared because their families’ lives were threatened. They all regret it and wish they just spoke the truth. So very on brand with my dream.
For once, I’m kind of happy I’m going through all these lessons on my own terms first. I can’t even imagine having to do all these scenarios while being visible. I get why some people say they wish they were never famous.
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Ended up going back to bed for a bit to ease my mind but had some other dream that I forgot about. Anyways, woke up, washed my hair, made my lemon and ginger tea, blow dried my hair, did a little makeup too cause I had a meeting with the new guy.
Had a call with him to explain things to him and then had my marketing call. Everything was a shit show and I really badly just wanted to point out how bad everything was going because my boss clearly wasn’t saying anything, but instead wrote my notes to my marketing manager that I’m having take over. Lmao she was saying some ideas that I said two years ago as her own and that kind of pissed me off because that’s also something I dislike. When people take my ideas and make them their own. But whatever, I putting my focus on staying present.
Came out and saw my mom putting up the Christmas ornaments so did that with her for a bit and ate my chia seed pudding. All the stuff I ordered a couple of days ago also came, so was opening and fixing up everything. One of things fell on my pinkey so bruised it up a bit.
Went back to my room because I was getting a bit overwhelmed with assembling everything. Came out, ate lunch, chilled for a bit, ordered my SF friend’s bday gifts that I’ve been dragging on, and figured out what to order my coworker for my secret santa.
My toe started really hurting, so put ice on but then got super determined and still got my steps in while watching Secret Life of mormon wives. While I was walking, the drybar lady messaged me back, so excited to see where that goes.
Ate yogurt, chilled for a bit, set up the vibration plate that I got, and did it for 10 minutes. Then brushed my teeth, yoga for a bit, and now doing red light therapy with my new stand while reading my book and going to bed. A bunch of new gadgets too.
Need to wake up early and clean and work tomorrow because it’s driving me crazy now.
Intuition - Very serious lesson from my dream today but I feel better knowing that I don’t have to fear anything
8/10 - Excited with all my new things and proud that I still walked. Now I need to get in the habit of doing my quick pilates routine and gua shaing along with everything.
Energy:
50% - calls
25% - staying on track with goals + hair
25% - setting all my new things up
