9/25/25 - Being me. Shackles, not cages.

Woke up kind of feeling more afraid than usual. I feel like I was fine until now, like my anchoring was strong, but then my mom’s fears started to bleed into me.

I told myself and my mom that’s not our responsibility to protect ourselves, that’s the universe’s responsibility. Our responsibility is to match the alignment we want. What if the universe is testing us? But I can’t help but be worried.

I also decided that I can’t control my mom’s path. I didn’t until now, so why am I so worried she’s going to be left behind. What if she’s not meant to understand what I’m telling her? Like I didn’t get what people told me until I was supposed to get it.

Up until now, she rose because she saw me do it. She’s been through more and maybe just needs more time.

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Anyways, we were supposed to go to the cubs game, and I told myself, we’d go if my tickets don’t sell, and if they do sell, then we’re going. But I felt bad because it felt like she didn’t want to go.

I ended up going to my consultation for my keratin appointment. I was still nervous about it, and lol she said it was going to be $300, which was a lot. But I wanted to try, and just said f it.

The hare krishna mandir was right in front of the salon, so quickly went there and prayed.

After my consultation, I picked my mom up too and my old middle school friend was there, so I talked to her for a bit. My tickets also sold, but it was at a $25 loss sadly.

After coming home, I randomly got in the zone of working and just was so productive. I didn’t feel like going on my walk today, just wanted to clear my head from work stuff. Instead of carrying a persona. I answered people like me. I didn’t answer like a director. I answered like how I would answer.

Mom went to the mandir and I ended up watching Amanda Knox and eating the chole my mom made me.

Somehow, I felt like she knew what I felt like. Just feeling safe, not feeling trust, and maybe just accepting my situation. Feels kind of morbid. But somehow I feel like I was able to resonate with what the character was feeling like. Just fear. This fear is a little different. It’s not loud, it’s not cages. It’s not the kind where you have no choice but to pray. It’s the kind that’s like shackles. One hope away from freedom. So close but so far. It’s almost very delusional. Idk if the shackles are too tight for me to escape or if I’m not pulling hard enough to break from it. The cages feel like out of my power. But this feels like a mental battle between if it’s out of my power or in my power. It feels like happiness and sadness at the same time. It feels like weight. I just don’t know whose.

^ And that might be the most deepest, realest thing I’ve written in a while. I don’t think I was able to express the magnitude of my fear until now. And why it felt like weight.

While writing this, tears just started rolling down my eyes. Like I finally feel understood. Like I can finally cry and feel like my pain.
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I also finally got my amex and added my mom as a card authorizer.

Intuition - I’m carrying fear that’s not even mine.

6/10 - Today felt rough, but trying to logic my way out of it.

Energy:
50% - Fighting & processing fear
50% - Working, being me unapologetically