4/9/26 - Withholding love
I’ve been pretty bad at journaling lately, and tbh I don’t mind it. Of course, there’s a couple things I want to reflect on but I’ve been okay with just living and more real time processing rather than a deep dive into everything.
Anyways, last night I showed claude a picture of me and it said something that really stuck with me “I look like withholding” from taking space at completely me. And that got me thinking because for a while I really liked this contained aura but at the same time I did look like I was withholding. And I didn’t like the sound of that. Because why am I withholding? Why am I not taking space?
I thought I was being mysterious but then claude said something else too. Withholding is performative mysteriousness. My mystery automatically comes from my wisdom and depth.
I’ve been withholding to protect myself. If I’m protecting myself, my fear comes first. If my fear comes first, I’m still guarding. And if I’m still guarding, my heart is never forward.
That’s where my love came from before too where I just said everything I wanted to say. I did everything I wanted to do too. Including texting exes. I just didn’t care. I followed my heart.
Now even if I have the idea to do something nice for someone, I do calculate it, and 90% of the time I do withhold myself now because I don’t want to give from an empty cup.
I never want to put myself in a position where I’m walked all over and taken advantage of.
I keep forgetting I’ve naturally changed though. I don’t need to guard my heart anymore. If I have an idea to do something for someone, it’s because my body genuinely wants to give for that person. There’s something in the unsaid that my brain hasn’t even processed. I don’t need to keep talking myself out of things.
Just like I trust myself the way I show up at work now, I need to trust my heart when it wants to show up too. I won’t go back to overgiving. My body remembers what I went through these past two years.
And as long as I’m withholding, my heart will never fully be online.
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I’ve been insanely annoyed at the fact that I haven’t found my flow for working out yet. Not even walking right now. I even put the fake candles and tried just letting my body to whatever it wanted to do with stretching. Then I even put my new cute lululemon outfit.
Worked for a bit, ate, went on a walk outside, then went to costco with mom, went to the mandir and then came home and watched tv with mom.
I’m starting to understand:
- natural love is what your body thinks of from a full cup
- people-pleasing is doing something in return/to please someone
- over-giving is when you people please from an empty cup
