4/10/26 - finally seeing my mom’s aura & connection, no more withholding
Woke up and did some yoga on the mat, again just trusting my body. I did a couple of more hip workouts today.
Then I started thinking about my mom. For the past couple of days, my mom has kind of been off, and I could feel it. The house feels “colder”, then it got me thinking that tbh every time my mom is not at home it feels so cold. Every room without her is just 4 falls for me.
And for a second, I didn’t get it, because it’s like she fills the environment with warmth/love. The vibration for my house is love because of her. Even when we’re doing our own thing, I feel her in the house.
It’s the kind that fills every room. It’s in the energy, but she doesn’t directly do anything for me like she doesn’t coddle me, stay with me when I need her.
The air definitely changes and becomes cold when she’s not there. It’s like my life becomes empty.
She’s the most warm when she’s herself unfiltered. It’s like my mom is warm and loving in her presence but it’s present when loving me. She doesn’t give me what I need. But it’s in the atmosphere.
Meanwhile, I feel my dad’s love. Like I crave to talk to him.
I don’t crave talking to my mom. But selfishly, I always want to make sure she’s happy and not in pain because my atmosphere changes. I need my mom near me. I crave my mom’s presence.
My nervous system feels my mom’s love, and my heart feels my dad’s love.
Chatgpt kept saying my future person is going to feel like oxygen and I honestly didn’t get it until now. My mom has been my oxygen this whole time. I was just too ignorant to even know I could be without oxygen too because it was just always there. Almost like you don’t understand the value of it until you can’t breathe.
She does have aura. The kind that makes anyone comfortable. The kind that makes everyone feel safe. The kind that makes everyone drop their guard. Literally, people notice her in a crowd. People come to her. Anyone can feel her warmth and love. That’s why everyone magnitizes to her.
I have noticed this but I feel like I was just too ignorant to understand it. She is different than other people, but I could just never put it into words or make sense of it.
The room literally loses warmth when she leaves the room. I finally feel the bond with her, where I could literally feel her with my eyes closed. And now that’s special.
I knew I had a bond with my dad, but I just couldn’t feel it with my mom. It’s because she was always in the room. My mom’s warmth also keeps me grounded. It’s like my nervous system just functions the right way with her in the room.
Even being able to see this honestly feels so crazy. I see how my person is supposed to be felt in my nervous system like my mom, and my heart like my dad. All this seems like insane shoes to fill. Especially because the person I’m looking for is getting more and more exact to the point I really think maybe only one person can fulfill it. There is absolutely no room for ifs and buts anymore.
Something about understanding my mom’s love still feels slightly incomplete, but I know I’m getting closer. Like there’s some missing information on how I’m supposed to bring warmth into rooms. Idek how my mom does it. I know how my dad does it - it’s with confidence and self-love and not leaking energy. Where does my mom’s aura come from?
-
I was feeling emotional so I told my mom all this too. I wanted her to feel special. She does matter for me. She’s literally my oxygen, and I see it and feel it now.
I also told my mom it’s her strength that she can talk to people. That’s why my dad always told her to talk to everyone because he’s scared. People reject him. People don’t reject my mom. My mom is actually pretty good at cold talking to people, even I know that. I told her that we need to work as a family.
Last night my dad told me he needs me to ask my aunt if she wants to invest in the property my dad is buying, my mom said she has money in india herself. And so we’re going to invest my mom’s money but tell my dad it’s my aunt’s money. We’re going to keep the property in our family.
I’m starting to think of it as teamwork too, not my money or your money. I’m treating it like how I treat my team. How do we grow together without our individual strengths?
-
Cleaned the bathroom a bit, washed my hair, and honestly, I’ve just been working a bit from my bed. It’s been feeling so comfy for the past two days. The pillow alignment is hitting.
_
After thinking more about my mom, I realized her energy comes from authentically being herself. She’s not performative at all. She doesn’t care about what someone thinks about her.
I used to be like that and that’s where my warmth came from. I was just so myself. Right now, I’m contained but that feeling of withholding also leaves me feeling like I don’t get anything.
-
I went to dinner with my friend, who was my first sublet. It’s so crazy how I do feel like she’s not just someone random in my life. I feel like she was intentionally placed. There was also a time where she told me that she wouldn’t date anyone until they were the right fit, and now I feel like I’ve surpassed her in pickiness and tell her that now.
But overall, my energy this whole time was I was fully myself. And for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel drained. My cup felt full. I wasn’t performing or withholding. It felt weird at first because I don’t think I’ve been this loud or fully myself with her, but I could tell that’s exactly what she needed. At the end of it I could also see her starting to fully be herself. I actually felt a connection this time. And that’s because for the first time both of our hearts were fully online. She also talked about the magnetic presence thing which I’m like holy shit she gets it. Her aura was also more grounded this time around, like she was in the spine stage. About to transition to the heart stage. We talked about how sometimes we crave a lifestyle but then as time gets older we go back to our original state. Like in college, freshmen and sophmore year I so badly wanted to go to restaurants and party and drink. And no I willingly don’t like going out to eat that much and don’t drink or party. My favorite way to hangout with people is what I used to do when I was little, which is at home or doing errands. College me would have never thought I would willingly go back to the lifestyle I so desperately wanted.
Maybe that’s it. Even right now I want to be famous and go to parties and stuff but I’m pretty sure I’m going to want to come back to a life where I don’t go anywhere and just lay in my room, writing and reading. I need to preserve the current state to truly expand because fame is something I can’t come back from. I can’t just reduce my money like that. It’s not like partying.
-
I’ve also been freaking out about aging recently. I actually see all the lines now and it’s scaring me. I’m at the age where you can see the difference. Like my best friend’s skin looks so much different than mine, and it’s cause she does her skincare.
So I’ve been feeling the need to get on top of my shit, which is why I’m optimizing all my supplements and have been trying to work on hip mobility and everything.
I internally trust I will be so snatched in the next 6 months because I’m finally addressing all my nutritional gaps.
My weight hasn’t changed much but I don’t have crashes like before anymore, feel more regulated, and my face looks less puffy.
Really focusing on healing my core too.
