8/20 - Facing abandonment
I think I’m going to start rating my days as part of my healing journey. And today feels like a 5/10. I still have a little bit of a high from yesterday’s reflection, where I’m almost reminding myself that’s all part of a better plan but I can’t help but face things that are hurting me a bit today.
1. If he was only meant to be a chapter in my life, that means I’m never seeing/talking to him again. And just feeling a loss of that is making my stomach churn. It’s bringing on a sense of sadness. It also hurts because we’re 5 days away from what could have been our 1st anniversary.
2. The last thing he said to me when I told him I still loved him, but I understand this breakup is needed, is “Idk if I love you” and that to me dilutes the word I love you, especially if you say it to someone the night before. How can you possibly tell someone you love them one day, and not the second day? And thinking about this hurts. It’s bringing forward my worst fear of abandonment.
A little backstory: I grew up being best friends with my dad to the point where we couldn’t live a single day without each other. He would always refer to me as his heartbeat. And then when I turned 12, he left, and I haven’t seen him since. Of course, we still talk here and there but that always screwed up my perspective of love and a childhood wound of abandonment. If someone that referred to me as their heart beat, my blood, can leave me, anyone can leave me. And that’s always made me feel some type of way. Like a survival extinct, being hyper aware of people’s actions/words, and just feeling like I’m alone in this world. But the little girl inside of me what’s someone to prove me wrong and stay to fix that wound of mine. To never leave even when things get tough. In the hope to get that from someone else, I’ve always trying being that for other people. Even when things get tough in a relationship, I fight and fight because I don’t have it in me to leave even when I’m being treated poorly. Until now, I continued to believe that one day I would find that person that wouldn’t leave because that’s the type of love that I give and that’s what kept me going.
But now, I’m starting to think I’ve had it all wrong. I need to make peace with the fact that I’m the only one that can fix my abandonment wound and accept me being there for myself and just knowing I have myself/ my resilience even when things get bad is enough. I can’t keep giving other people the love I wish to receive. Although that’s nice in theory, I truly need to be ready to leave people who aren’t fit for my soul because I can’t abandon my soul. It was never about them. It was always about me.
But right now, I’m also feeling traumatized to ever start again. I feel like I just don’t have it in me to give someone wrong my heart anymore. I’m not scared to open up. I still believe in love, but I literally do not have it in me to have another failed relationship. Internally, I know that again all this was needed for me to learn and grow and these heart breaks are only leading me closer to my person but healing is never a linear, it has ups and downs, and today feels like a down. Today feels like my fears are slightly winning.
