9/6 - Forgiving myself

I don’t think I’m grieving a breakup anymore, so all my days are starting to feel above a 8/10. I’m back to just being at peace for the most part.

Yesterday night:

I saw V was stalking me on Tiktok even after he got engaged. He came back over and over again. He loved me. But I know if it was actual love or anxious love. For the longest after he got engaged, I was like damn. I missed out on someone that really loved me. But out of nowhere after I saw him talking me, literally just a couple of days ago, I was like what if he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. Would I be the happiest person with him?

and the answer was no. No matter what I would never go back to him. I could be single, alone, but would not go back to him. I just know he’s not my person.

And I can’t believe for months now, I’ve been punishing myself for letting him go. I need to forgive myself that I know the decision I made.

Maybe that’s why deep down, I was never mad at N and J for saying I wasn’t their person. Because I know what it feels like having someone love you sooo much but you just can’t love them back. They could be doing everything right, but you just can’t give that love back.

This is why I’ve always been understanding even after being treated like shit.

So where do I find a boundary? It’s always easy to be like he didn’t understand my worth, he’s useless, and more. But sometimes, you just know someone’s not the one. And I can’t be mad at someone for that.

I guess I’m still figuring that out.

I did see a post that stuck with me though. To be magnetic, is to have boundaries with your energy. Knowing that not everyone deserves it.

So I guess now that I’m forgiving myself, the next part to my journey is to figure out when to have boundaries and when to be understanding.