9/1 - Taking it day by day
Let’s give today a 8/10.
It’s officially been a month since my breakup with J. This morning I just woke up with a ton of anxiety. Feeling anxious about hurting someone else, not caring about them hurting me. Feeling anxious about people just being able to cut me out of their life. Just so much anxiety about random things.
So I decided to go to Yin Yoga. I’ve been going for a couple of years now, and honestly Yin Yoga has got me through a lot. Just being able to release the tension from my body. It also just somehow gives me clarity on everything I’m feeling that I didn’t even know I was feeling.
Within 2 minutes of the class starting, I started to sob (for context, it’s in a dark room with music, haha so no one knew I was crying), but it has a way of doing that. Yin Yoga releases trauma from hips and back.
I realized I was just so mad at myself for even having the slightest sympathy for someone that had zero respect for me. If it were anyone else, I would have no problem cutting them off. So why was it so hard to cut this person off.
And it’s because this person triggered my anxious attachment to the point where I was desperate for love. Almost like a child desperate to get love from their parents. J triggered it so bad that it was never him I was attached to. I was attached to my own need for validation and love.
But then I reminded myself, the hard part is over. I broke free. He’s not hurting me anymore. And I need to be soooo proud of myself from breaking free from his shackles of him even hurting me or having access to me.
That was the hardest part. And I’m completely discrediting it. Being with someone that keeps you anxious. It’s not easy “just not caring”. Because they almost wire your brain to “need” their attention. It’s honestly very shackle like.
But I broke free. And then I just visualized myself running and running and somehow I ended up in Canon Beach in Oregon. The place my soul has been calling. The place I’m going to in 2 weeks. Idk why my soul is calling me there.
And then I randomly started thinking about what if N is there? Idk… I also did a exercise this morning on how I want my future baby daddy to be and N’s characteristic came up. So then I became delulu about N again. Whatever it was, it was helping me break away from J. And I almost treat this like a harmless crush. Their is nothing I would do about this.
So I later told my friend, and she told me that by me doing this I’m not healing because I’m staying attached to an ex. And N did me dirty too, but accepting him, I’m not elevating my standards. If anything I’m falling into my old patterns.
Which honestly all makes sense. And I agree. Mentally, I want to be detached from every ex possible. I don’t want to think about any of them ever again and I want to raise my standards so high that I’m truly ready for the next person.
But right now, I need to take things step by step. And my main goal is to forget J. So Idk if I should let myself be delulu about N as a rebound crush for a month. Because honestly there’s no way I can get obsessed to a “crush'“. It’s like getting obsessed with Channing Tatum. There’s nothing I’m going to do about it. Lol should I just get obsessed with Channing instead?
But ultimately, I do what to reach a point where I don’t want any guy on my mind. I just want myself. But for now, I’m taking it day by day.
On the other note, I see do everything on my dopamine menu today.
- Hot yoga
- Lavender Latte
- Hangout with friend
- Returns (haha love some money back)
- Walk
- Home-cooked chicken curry
- Sitting with family and talking with tea
Moral of the story: Take it day by day. Just because you’re not where you want to be, doesn’t mean you’re failing. You being self aware is a great first step.
