4/24 - No longer need validation for my purpose

I woke up early today because I had an appointment to get my front tooth bonded. It looks chipped from the side, so honestly this was important to me, especially because I record myself so much now.

I’ve been thinking about getting Invisalign too but didn’t know how it would work with me quitting my job, so have been hesitant about it.

The bonding itself literally took only 5 minutes, but it made such a difference to me. I feel like I could finally smile without being insecure. The dentist I went to was in Des Plaines so tryed finding a coffee shop around there. Honestly, I kind of like the vibes of Des Plaines. It feel bright, but Idk if it’s just because I’m in the downtown area. For a hot second, I even said, tbh I wouldn’t mind moving here. The vibes feel bright and peaceful. Growing up, I got the ick from the word Des Plaines. It just sounds similar to Niles, and I hate Niles. Just always feel so dark and gloomy.

Anyways, ended up getting an Ube Latte from a coffee shop that was in the metro station. And then made my way home. I already had energy from the coffee, so decided to go to the gym and just get my steps in/workout. I did have a lot of energy throughout my walk, but got tired after doing some lifting.

As soon as I was walking into the gym, I saw my friend who just broke up with her boyfriend post on IG, and I just know she’s doing all the wrong things. She’s doing it was attention, which is okay, but I also know her and just know she’s not focusing on the healing. Part of me was like should I send her a message? But then I said no. And that was also growth. After realizing yesterday that sometimes some people just aren’t meant to understand your message unless it’s time for them to. Until now, I kept telling what I learned to the wrong people. The people who weren’t ready to heal. Not ngl part of me even seeked validation that maybe if I was able to change their lives that’s when I can validate that I can help other people too. But then as minor as my realizations from yesterday felt in the moment, I literally just think that helped me level up again.

Until now I was chasing to spread my learnings/lessons and message. But I really can’t do that. This is the part where me being pulled to bodies of water finally makes sense. The part to just surrender. My job is to make the content, not figure out who is supposed to see it. God, universe, and the Tiktok algo will take care of that. Just like when I see the content I need to see when I’m meant to see it.

This is also kind of crazy because I feel like I’m also unlearning everything I learned in my marketing career. My whole marketing career was based on being strategic the whole way. But in my personal content, it’s all the opposite, where sure I’m using hooks and all and trying to polish, but part of me in my heart also knows that’s its the random content that’s going to do the best. The thing about life is there is no real strategy and that kind of throws off my marketing brain.

But just like that… I no longer need validation for my purpose/content. Especially from people I already know, which until today I was chasing for. I wanted to help the people I knew. But I’m learning that I actually can’t. They’ll come to me when they want the help.

Funny, because now that I recall when I was reading “Let them” by Mel Robbins, even she was like what are my closest people going to think of me. WIll they think I’m phony? But they were never meant to listen to her message.

Also while walking - I’m like I have too many “Once I find my routine… I’ll do this” “Once I get accepted into Tedx… I’ll do this” but the #1 thing I have to constantly remind myself is the “once…” stuff is the stuff I need to do now. Because that’s whats going to help me quantum jump.

So point is, I need to get a dog, act like I got accepted for Tedx so need to prepare my speech, and find someone to rent my extra room. Lots to do like always.

Anyways, got done with my workout and then needed to get some groceries so did that, and then was craving Taco Bell, so went to go get some. Mom and I had a whole Taco Bell date today.

It was only 2pm and felt like I accomplished so much by that point. My steps, workout, taco bell, etc.

Randomly, I was also like I’m going to go ahead with my red lace saree shoot. I want to actually get a good photographer for it, so spent time looking for sarees online.

My friend who got engaged for a red lace saree for her engagement, and part of me was like I feel like I should check in with her. Idk if I red lace saree has value for her, and idk if she’ll feel like I’m copying her. Almost feels equalivant to me copying her wedding outfit or something. Like idk the sentimental value behind it.. but then I’m like honestly idc. This is my vision for the shoot.. if she falls off, she falls off. Just cause she wore it for her engagement, doesn't mean I cant ever wear a lace saree again. Growth. Because very unapologetic energy at this point.

I feel like consideration has been used a mask to keep people contained. - My hot take.

Anyways, then got some work done, and even took a slight nap.

Overall, I just felt like the day felt soo long. Like I got so many things done today. Even had time to nap… so clearly all this time of me complaining about people like I don’t have enough time just equates to I need to figure out how to wake up earlier. Tbh I’m even done to re-start coffee in the morning if it helps me get more thinks done.

Last night I also decided that it’s about carving time for editing every night. Just like I do for journaling and walking. It’s just about showing up. That itself is already me acting like I already have it because that’s what my life is going to be just editing every night, and tbh I’m okay with that.

The thing is though I’ve also been trying to find enjoyment in my routine, which is also where this whole switch up is coming from and even wanting to try coffee again. I’m just bored sitting at my desk, same things. I need excitement.

I also can’t dread editing every day. I need to actually love it or at least find a way to make it more enjoyable.

On the other note, I felt like I overate again today. I’m starting to not have a good relationship with food again for some reason, and just no discipline, which I’m not liking. I feel like I’m eating my feelings or just eating to eat. By 8:30pm today I was so bloated, that I thought I was going to puke. I need to detach from food again.

Why am I attached to food? It’s like that’s the only thing I’m looking forward to now days. Am I that bored? I used to look forward to walking and journaling and right now I feel like I just do it for the discipline. If I didn’t have that, I’d put myself in a rut by now. And I also know discipline is great but also not long-term. Fun is…

How can I have fun in my life again? In my routine… and stop dreading it all.

Anyways, I’m sitting in my spare room journaling and I need to talk about it. I feel like I’m traumatized by the room. If anything this is probably the longest I’ve been in this room since June. It’s the largest room and used to be my room, but every time I’m in it, I just remember the version of me that was so depressed and anxious and would constantly cry because of her ex. This is also the room that I spent time with my ex, so it also unlocks a portal of memories.

I keep telling myself the reason why I moved to my other room was because it gets more sunlight, but the truth is that’s the room where I feel like I completely rebuilt myself. But I’m also bored of the room.. I’m just bored of everything. Like I need to break free, so I’ve been thinking about moving back to my old room but the thing is I feel traumatized every time i’m in the room. Part of me feels scared. What if the room is bad luck for me. What if I’ll revert back to the worst version of me?

But randomly, I came in to get a chance of scene. I was tired of being in my room all day. And now I think I just need to sit here and just sit with my fear and really release it. Let it move through me to release the power it has over me because I can’t be scared of room in my house.

Intuition - I’ll never be the old version of me again. I’ve literally done the work and if anything I need to release anything that scares me by facing it head on.

7/10 - Really bored, but I see so much growth in my day to day of just me picking myself over and over again. I feel like I’m desperate to live life not just survive anymore.

Energy:

50% - Getting stuff done, figuring out what to do what the excess energy
30% - Bored
20% - Trying to switch things up and have fun