5/12 - Learning to love every angle

Today was photoshoot day, and this time it was with an actual photographer. So woke up at 8am because I needed to shave, wash my hair, blow dry my hair, clean a bit, do my makeup, get flowers, iron everything, get my eyebrows done, put a face mask on, gua sha, pick out the outfit, and set up the backdrop. And I already knew I was going to have mental breakdown, so was trying to do less thinking more action.

Thankfully, I set a goal for myself of getting shower, hair, eyebrows, and trader joes done before 12pm. This way I have 3 hours to do the rest.

While showering, I randomly had this wave of intuition that I think my person is going to be white. It just makes sense on why I’m having all these “culture” moments and while my soulmate preview guy was also white. Also my birth chart says he’s going to be a different background. And the feeling I had with that white guy during the coffee shop line was wayyy more deeper than I’ve ever had with a brown guy. It just all makes sense.

But I can’t help but freak out a little because I never thought my person was going to be white. I was just always so tuned with my culture. I don’t even have white friends like that. So just thinking about having a whole set of white family is kind of crazy to me right now. I’m a little in shock but the intuition for this is very strong, so ignoring it until further notice.

I didn’t even know what kind of flowers I wanted when I went to trader joes but just picked up a couple of things and trusted it would all work out. I got 3 bunches of tulips, and 1 bunch of these pink flowers. Also picked up some matcha for an energy boost.

Came home did a face mask, makeup and all. Somehow the outfit and everything worked out and I was on time. Ended up pulling out the pink dress I got from Hollister the other day too. Before she came I was kind of freaking out while doing my makeup, but I just had to remind myself I got this and kept saying “I am model”.

She came and she was sooo nice. Somehow I instantly felt comfortable with her and didn’t feel the need to perform because she was so chill. We played music and even our conversations were as they went, I personally didn’t feel that awkward. Mom would also come in here and there to watch. Posing wise, it was okay. I wasn’t feeling the most confident and I couldn’t see myself in the mirror half the time but I continued to remind myself and just tried my best. I think I was a little confused on my faces. I need to work on that a bit more. But also I did feel like some of her angles were slightly off.

We did the white top and jeans first and then the pink dress. She was here for like 2 hours, and we even gave her mango lassi. Overall good vibes! She was a patel too, so my mom would talk to her in gujju occasionally.

After the shoot, my employee called me saying they were cutting her bonus and how she was upset. Lol I told her to start looking for something else. Even told my other coworker that. Lowkey I feel like I’m a silent instigator, but it really is the truth.

She got home and started editing quickly. I saw the pictures and there were some that I loved, but there were also some that I disliked and that’s when I felt a little sad. When I went on IG I started seeing all these pretty girls modeling, that were just naturally pretty and I couldn’t help but think why would anyone want me as a model when there are soo many naturally pretty girls.

But this is the time to work through that insecurity and shed that limiting belief. First of all technically I don’t want to be a model to model for other people’s things. I want to be someone that just has fire pictures. Think influencer, think presence. Like vidya. People don’t look at her pictures and think she’s a model they look at her and see all of her. When someone looks at me they see me. Or even Zafreen and twinkle. They model for themselves, not for other products. And also even their pictures aren’t like 100% model like.

Other models are kind of vague if you think about it. You just see a pretty face and it changes based on the product. The focus is the product, not them and their story.

There is no competition for me. No one can be me. So when people take pictures of me, it’s for me, not for the product. I decide the shoot.

Also, I need to love every part of myself. I can’t compare myself with other people. I can’t feel like other people are prettier. Other people aren’t me.

Didn’t get my steps in today, and wasn’t able to create content. So slightly slacking on that front. I need to figure out a faster way to do the voiceover videos. I’m not mad at myself, though because today was a lot. Just need to get back to it all tomorrow.

Ended the day watching a new netflix show and unwinding with some indian shows with mom. Also facetimed my best friend for fun, she did seem off though.

Intuiton - I’m marrying a white guy and I’ll get better with pictures with time. For now, I need to love every angle of myself.

8/10 - I was nervous and busy but it all worked out at the end and I’m proud of myself for stepping out my comfort zone to the point where I reached out and even got a whole photographer. Exactly what I wanted to do before my bday.

Energy:
20 % - preparing for the shoot
25 % - anxiety over the shoot
15% - shoot
25% - convincing myself I am pretty and learning how to love every angel
10 % - freaking out about marrying a white guy
5% - telling my coworker to move on