5/10 - My blessing blockers
I ended up watching Kal Ho Na Ho yesterday and took an edible. It was so sad, but I feel like I enjoyed it as my Friday night.
I woke up and kept thinking about the guy from yesterday. I wanted to go to the Lincoln Park farmer’s market today, and realized that he lived in Lincoln Park too, so there was a possibility I was going to run into him.
Idk if it’s just a me thing but I literally never run into people in real life. But I really thought I was going to run into him. I just knew I felt something.
So ngl I got dressed up, imagined a whole scenario of seeing him, and left. Even did my makeup. It took a while to find parking and it was freezing cold.
Walked around, got coffee first, and then eggs, and the a crossiant and sourdough bread. And I didn’t see him. Part of me was disappointed because I was so convinced there was something there. Like why would god do that to me.
But then I’m like the one regret I have and keep thinking about is not taking my pictures/video of the coffee. If I was alone I would have done it. It was with my person I would have done it. I even thought of it. The only reason why I didn’t do it because I thought a stranger would judge me.
Like who cares? And just like that… my blocker for meeting my soulmate is that I’m still not myself. I still value what the other person thinks of me, not what I think of them.
But I think God brought him to me to really give me preview of officially shedding the other people away because this is what it’s going to feel like. To show me why it really wasn’t anyone in my past and that I officially need to let them all go.
Came home, ate, and then I had to go to babysit these kids I used to babysit in college. Their mom texted me a couple of days ago, and I was like yeah I’m free.
I drank a bit of my celicus for some more energy because kids drain me. i can’t believe I thought of even picking this pack up a couple of months ago. Anyways, we literally did everything in the 4.5 hours. Built a fort, soccer, volleyball, experiment. race, hide and seek, play, musical chairs, uno, with the dog, charades, hot potatoes, catch, story game. Literally every came in the books. I really don’t know how we did so much and were still thinking of things to do. Made them mac and cheese too.
When it was time to leave, the parents asked me how much I charge and I said they could just pay me whatever. They paid me $25/hour and I usually charge them $20/hour. I instantly felt bad that they “overpaid” me. My mom would have gave the money back, so that’s what I did. Internally, I was like they barely go out, it’s okay. And she even said to keep it and I still sent the money back. I really thought she was going to send it back and just be like keep it.
I felt some type of way, almost stuck between yesterday, my upbringing and my future.
Yesterday told me that if you’re a good person, it’ll always come back to you. My upbringing is also to charge fairly. Logic is technically I told them they could pay me whatever. If they underpaid me would I have said anything? No. So why did I say something when they overpaid me. I feel like I rejected money and I think it’s challenging my belief of it being the “right thing” to do.
Things I’ve learned:
1. I finally know what exactly I want to feel like when I meet my person, but I can’t just stop being myself. I should have taken that picture.
2. I clearly told them they can pay me whatever. If they under paid me would I have said something? No. I deserve abundance. I can’t say no to when money literally comes to me. I just rejected it today.
Recap:
- Thinking I’m too much, still impressing for “my person”. I can’t change who I am.
- I can’t reject money or think I don’t deserve it.
I came home, spent time with mom and made a reservation to Planta Queen for mother’s day tomorrow. Also got the rest of my steps in and made sandwiches for dinner.
New moto - DO SERVICE FROM YOUR HEART, ALWAYS ACCEPT MONEY. ABUNDANCE IS NOT A MISTAKE. ANY MONEY THAT COMES TO ME IS MINE.
Intuition: Don’t change yourself, doing something nice is one thing, don’t say no to abundance and an overflow of money. It’s coming to you for a reason.
8/10 - A little disappointed but I feel like I got a lot of insights into things that are blocking my blessings.
Energy:
33% - hoping to see the guy + farmers market
33% - playing with kids
33% - reflecting on my blessing blockers
