2/13/26 - Processing fear, no longer performing depth, clarity on work that energerizes me
Last night, I was watching “tell me lies” and in there basically her ex had something against her that would destabilize her world in a minute, and because of that she was living in such fear to the point it demobilized her, she had cripping anxiety, and just couldn’t function. She was just so hyper aware, so scared. It was so sad.. when it just hit me that I’ve been living with that kind of fear for years. The dreams, the anxiety, the helplessness, the fear, all of it. That’s what my body and mind have been going through for years, so no wonder it was in hyper-survival. I feel like I’ve downplayed everything I’ve been through by just pushing forward. Nowadays, I can’t even cry when I feel the wave of grief. It’s almost disbelief at the state I was living in. And yeah this is a show, but that’s exactly how I felt for years. To the point, I removed true joy out of my life because I was so scared to just not worry. Just thinking about all this really makes me sad sometimes. Like holy shit. I feel like this is the first time I’m really processing it because until now I was living in the fear. This is the first time I feel safe enough to feel it like that’s no longer my story, even though literally my external circumstances haven’t even changed. Everything can still happen. But the one thing I know is literally can not live in fear anymore.
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Also, last night, the seattle guy emailed back, just saying “acknowledged.” Like how do you go from one day saying “Have a terrific day!” to next just saying “acknowledged.” His inconsistency in behavior feels so annoying, and the worst part is I feel his ego mood swings. It’s draining, and I can’t wait for this event to be over now. My entitlement lives in my choice to never work with him again. Not because anything is actually wrong, but nowadays, I literally can’t even deal with the wrong energy.
With vendors, there’s a lot of friction and back and forth. There’s not that much of an ego complex because they usually cater to the client. With partners, there’s just so much ego complex, disregulation, emotional rides, volatility.
I woke up thinking holy shit, I never want to plan a wedding. I’m dying for this week to be over, so I’m done with this dude. I would have to deal with the emotional toll of vendors/event planners for almost a year for a wedding. Hell no.
It’s not even about the vision. Most people probably don’t even realize the emotional toll comes from the friction and dealing with other people’s emotional spikes and crashes, and also being hypervigilant to problem-solve things, while staying anchored on the vision and pace. It sounds like a nightmare.
For things I like doing and don’t. I realized I hate dealing with vendors and partners. My absolute dream job would be to just come up with visions and strategies all day long. I almost just want a personal assistant who is my “doer”. That gets everything I tell her. Doesn’t argue or ask too many questions to dilute my vision and just makes it happen. I LOVE coming up with visions. It’s my fav part, and I feel so creative and expansive.
Chat says it’s clarity -
You get lit up by: Concepts, Tone, Aesthetic, Direction, Big picture coherence
You get drained by: Negotiation, Repetition, Emotional babysitting, Vendor mood swings, Back-and-forth logistics
I’m doing a lot of event planning because it’s a compressed version of building anything. I’m learning orchestration.
Life is teaching you:
How to hold a vision
How to communicate it clearly
How to deal with personalities
How to manage budgets without overcommitting
How to stay regulated when others spike
How to execute without losing aesthetic integrity
Events are visibility containers. They’re physical manifestations of brand, taste, energy, and standards.
I also realized my style is underpromise, overdeliver. And I get annoyed when people want exact details and take away from creativity. Like for flowers, I said I was getting bouquets, but I didn’t tell the Seattle guy I was getting a florist to come in. In the case, the florist didn’t work out, and I did have to order an online bouquet or something. I like having wiggle room, so I don’t feel anxiety of matching my own high standards. I would rather just have the person see as the end result.
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For work, my graphic designer didn’t show up to our working session call. And I know exactly what happen. She has another job too, and it was probably conflicting, so she thought if she made the graphic edits I asked for, I would cancel the call. And when I didn’t cancel the call and asked her where she was, she just went MIA. I was soo pissed, and she knew I was pissed. I didn’t even know what to tell her so I just said “we’ll talk about it in a 1-on-1. I need to get the edits out” and continued working. She was being insanely nice, which she hasn’t for months.
I was dealing with more photographer stuff, I still haven’t finalized the details with that one photographer because he was busy doing a shoot.
Cleaned the bathrooms showers, showered, ate lunch and then went on a walk outside. It was so nice, and might be my first full outside walk this year. During the walk, I was just so furious. I promised the graphic designer that I wouldn’t blindsight her, but I’ve also had many warning talks with her before. She’s causing friction and delaying momentum. Me having the talk with her isn’t going to change anything. I’ve already had the talk multiple times, and she thinks she’s slick each time. I need to fire her. If she’s draining me, that’s already an answer for me. But I also want to do it with clean energy. So I’m just going to tell her that I’m not doing warnings anymore. My goal for the year is to have a frictionless workflow. If I respect people’s freedom, and tell them have a second job. They need to respect my time and energy, and that’s not happening. If I abandon myself to give them freedom and be nice, that’s not right. I have to do what I have to do.
At first I was like should I confront her and tell her I know what she’s doing. But all she’s going to do is say sorry or try coming up with fake “evidence” when my heart already know the answer. I don’t need to prove to her that I’m more alert than she thinks I am. That I know things even when I don’t say anything. And I’m not falling for her gaslighting me.
I need my own boundary and action.
This happens in relationships, too. J did this. All he did was gaslight and come up with “fake evidence” or say sorry. When all I should have done was not give a shit and break up with him. I’m at a point where I no longer question my decision. I’m trying to figure out the cleanest way to do it. And I think the cleanest way is to tell him from my heart what my boundary is, even though they don’t deserve it.
I felt relief after I knew me wanting to fire her was the right decision. I was rage walking until then, but then decided to go on the swings at the part. I felt the warmth of the sun, the cold breeze, and the highlight was letting my shoes get dirty with dirt. Just seeing the dirt felt so real and heartwarming. Like real joy matters more over perfection. I felt like a kid and it was great.
Came home, worked some more, ate dinner, made thai iced tea as my initiation for my weekend. I realized I like having something every week that initiates “me time” and separates the work chaos. It’s like a signal for my nervous system to slow down.
Watched Param Sundari on netflix and it was so cute.
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Also earlier today, I messaged the newsletter girl saying if she wanted to write an article that would work for the DM audience, I can post it on IG stories. Feel like that’s staying in my lane and still helping her a lot.
For the first time, though, even though I know she knows everything I feel and talk about. With stillness, etc. I don’t feel like talking to her about it. Almost like I’m not chasing resonance anymore. If somehow we start flowing in a convo, that’s great.
But I’m no longer like, “omg she gets it, let me immediately tell her I know everything she’s talking about and I feel the same way to force connect.”
If anything, I’m surprised how nonchalant I’m acting. Neither do I feel like proving to her I have depth, too. If she see’s it she see’s it.
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Also, while on my walk, I realized I needed to befriend darkness and find safety in it to truely heal my relationship with sleep. But a convo for another day.
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I’m also starting to have this irrational fear of people finding this blog, so I just made everything private.
Curiosity - Adding heavy cream to my thai iced tea recipe (no bueno), put rice paper in cucumber water to try to make an at home face mask, ate chicken on a religious day (experimenting my boundaries with religion), lmao did research on edible types
Pocket of joy - seeing dirt on my shoes while being on the swings, walk outside in nice weather, watching a cute bollywood rom com
Intuition - I no longer to prove or perform for anything or anyone. I don’t feel like explaining to anyone.
3/10 - Tbh I feel like my whole day was really annoying, dealing with everyone
Energy:
60% - annoyed
20% - walk outside
20% - bollywood movie and decompress
