3/27/26 - Depth for visibility, what’s underneath the surface, investments clicking, realized I never got my mom’s love, emotional neglect, slightly intellectually avoidant

To genuinely have it all, I have learn the feeling of not knowing. That’s the bridge to my abundance now. I just trust and believe.

Learning to sit with my pain. Without an escape route for meaning. With people, I can empathize and sit with them in their pain. With all my wisdom, I need to not problem solve. I just need to sit with them because I have the capacity. Their problem solving will come on their own.

Like yesterday. I didn’t NEED anything. I just wanted someone to sit with me, while I was in pain. To feel. To be present in pain too.

It’s basically that. Learning how to be present in pain. That’s what learning to sit in pain really is. Allows my heart to feel.

My mom didn’t give me love because she thought she was protecting me that way as if tough love is the answer.

Then I realized that I do this my employees. Maybe I shouldn’t be scared to give them love. Maybe to have it all I can love them and teach them.

I realized I might do this with my kids too. I realized I 100% was because that’s how I learned and this whole life I thought nothing was wrong with it because that’s how I grew up.

Until yesterday, where I just needed someone with me in the pain.

Wow holy shit. I really was emotionally avoidant, especially after I’m not desperate for them or seeking their validation.

I realized I could be so cold. Just like my mom. That’s what I did to ex V too.

Also realized that depth is literally depth. Almost like everyone is supposed to swim at the surface. That’s the end goal, but those that swam from the bottom, have depth. They know and understand the in-between to get to the surface. The people at the surface just know the surface. This image and analogy makes so much sense now, on how shallow people aren’t wrong. They just don’t have depth.